Workplace Housework is Women’s Work: How Volunteering, Mentoring, and Always Saying “Yes” Can Hurt Your Career

Early in my corporate career a tragedy occurred. An intern was brutally murdered. The victim of a hate crime — gay bashing. I will never forget this shocking, sad, event.

The impact on me was also astonishing, particularly with hindsight.

I had been called to my boss’s office and told the horrific news. He then informed me, “I want you to handle this and speak with the Junior staff.” Before I could even consider the magnitude of the order or admit my ineptitude for such a role, I found myself walking into a room to face six interns who I now had to tell what had happen to their friend and try to support them. You can only imagine their shock, grief, and anger. We must have talked for hours.

Days later, still emotionally exhausted, I asked my boss why he had selected me. “We figured a female would be better at this.” The deceased’s supervisor (a male) went home, my boss (a male) closed his door and stared at the wall, and a few of the other men went on with their work saying, “we’ve got to move forward.”

Maybe I was or wasn’t the best person for the job but is gender the number one criterion? Should I have been so unquestioning as to why me? Why didn’t I first think of the impact it would have on me and allow myself to grieve?

Was I doing women’s workplace housework in the office?

I recalled this incident as I read the article, Madam C.E.O., Get Me a Coffee, written by Facebook COO, Cheryl Sandberg and Wharton professor, Adam Grant. It discusses how women are often chosen, volunteer, or assumed to handle the more “female roles” at work, even though they hold senior positions with major responsibilities and may have no domestic skills or aspirations. More important is the fact that when it comes to promotion and compensation advances, these tasks are given little, if any, credit and hinder career growth because of their lack of perceived value and the time they take from more strategic and measurable efforts.

No one made partner because she baked cupcakes, carried a tray of lasagna on the subway (I didn’t make this up), or decorated the conference room for the holiday party. Nor do most people get credit for mentoring junior people or preventing a resignation.

You may think I am blaming men. Okay I am in some ways because they are the ones who have no trouble asking for menial tasks to be done by someone else who is often female. I also blame women who don’t say “no” or worse, volunteer or think they will have the competitive edge if someone knows they can cook, counsel, or comfort.

Workplace housework is thankless and constant, and contributes to burnout. It is exhausting, leading to compassion fatigue. It can make you bitter and resentful. It is a waste of your talents and skills, and costs you and the organization.

What’s a woman to do?

1. Practice “extreme self-care.” Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you offer to help others. The higher up you are, the more help you can really be.
2. Pick your shots when volunteering for a work project. Choose areas that will be seen by those above you as having longevity, is measurable, and works with your career strategy.
3. Learn to say “no” because you are busy.
4. Don’t feel guilty when you’re already committed. Let the requester know you are saying no because what you are doing requires your full attention.
5. Everyone needs to take a turn if you want a high-functioning team. Better yet, have no one do it. Order in, rotate the job, and everyone get your own coffee.
6. Ask men to help. Don’t assume they won’t or can’t. There are more than a few female control freaks out there.
7. Find larger forums other than mentoring one-on-one. Encourage junior staff to form peer groups; don’t say you’ll lead it.
8. Don’t be so available. Stop saying “yes” to late nights, weekends, and 11 pm e-mails. Stay as long as you need to do your work, not for show or martyrdom.

What men and women can do.

1.  Equalize and balance office housework.
2.  Admit inequity exists and find solutions together.
3. Recognize people who do contribute in a giving way.
4. Praise equally. Single mothers deserve as much praise as single fathers.
5. Part of any performance evaluation should be a willingness to help co-workers and the organization.
6. Mentor yourself first.
7. Exchange labor-intensive social activities (never do pot luck) for something with a greater social contribution and less effort.
8. Be alert to those who never do anything that is not self-serving.

Office or workplace housework is shortsighted, discriminatory, and changeable. Stop hurting your career aspirations by following the suggestions above to help change your work environment.