“Mommy, can I eat this bag of M & Ms?” “No,” says the mother with a tone that says, “I mean it and I am the adult.” The kid puts the packet down and starts scheming to get what they want. The mother repeats “no.”
“No” can be succinct, powerful, and avoid a problem. It shows who is in charge to a person who may not be capable of making a good decision.
“No,” and certain other words and phrases, can also create their own problems.
Want to shut down a conversation, demoralize an employee who presents a new idea, and/or make sure that person doesn’t approach you again? Use some of these common words and phrases.
No: Starting any reply to a suggestion with “no” is a way of controlling the speaker. From the moment it is said the idea person can only predict criticism. Whatever you add after the negative is mentally blocked out. The contributor immediately starts thinking of a defense, often for themselves and the information they tried to deliver. They are demoralized because their excitement has now turned to dismay. They hesitate to speak up again.
A better way of handling: Listen carefully to the entire suggestion. Mentally pick out the positives (there are always positives even if it is just the person offered their thoughts and came to you). Look for a way to include the idea rather than simply reject it and sabotage the relationship. If that is not possible, offer another way of applying it. Avoiding “no” does not mean you always agree. What it requires is respect of the person and their ideas. Encourage them to keep thinking and sharing.
But: The word placed anywhere in your reply says the same thing — I don’t agree, I am right, don’t listen to him/her/them, listen to me, I win. The word “but” makes the idea creator re-assess what they thought was a good contribution because now they are sure they are wrong and a loser. This is especially true when the “but” speaker is better placed on the hierarchy. Saying “but” is a tactic of must winners. We all know, and probably work with people, who are overcompetitive and must always be on top. They need to get things their way even if it is not important, not their expertise, use it as an escape to shy away from constructive feedback, or to make sure they have put everyone in their place.
A better way of handling: Catch yourself saying “but” and figure out what else you can do. A first consideration should be, say nothing, just listen. An alternative is to use the word “and” in place of “but.” It makes a point in a much more positive way. It demonstrates collaboration rather than battle. It is a contribution that shows acceptance of what has already been said.
You get the gist of this.
Here are a few overused and destructive words and phrases all too common in the workplace. All can sabotage your interactions and weaken your communications.
However: As a contradiction to a suggestion.
You need to understand: A starter sentence to take control.
Listen: As an opener it says, “Don’t you dare interrupt me; I’m going to tell you.”
Everyone knows: Used to dilute a new idea and deflate the idea person.
Let me finish: To shut down any added comments or ideas.
I guess some people see it that way: To make the idea person feel awkward, even stupid, or out of the loop.
If I were you: Means, “Do it my way.”
The highly respected executive coach, Marshall Goldsmith, works with top leaders. He sees use of these common words and phrases as so problematic, he fines his clients $20 every time they say a word such as “but.” Some people rack up more than $100 in penalties in a one-hour session. Good for the charity who is the recipient of the funds, shocking lesson for the executive.
A few things worth remembering: Everyday words and phrases have impact and some of them can be very counterproductive and hurtful. Listening will get you further than talking. People personalize comments even when they are not meant to be about them. The higher up you are in the organization the more credibility you are given, even if you don’t deserve it. Everyone has bias. Your comments and thoughts are tainted with them. Caution is recommended.
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