I have recently been coaching pairs. Not romantic couples but people who either work together as colleagues, supervisors and direct reports, or equals who have different responsibilities in their organization and need to collaborate.
It got me thinking, why do employees misunderstand one another? What are the sources of misunderstanding and conflict in the workplace?” Why do smart, talented, well-meaning people, not get along? Why do some people act like oil and water when they have to work with one another?
Three Elements Why Employees Misunderstand Each Other
Temperament
When I refer to temperament, I am using the preference types identified in the MBTI – Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator. Extroverts can experience Introverts as holding back and standoffish. Introverts take time to think and don’t do well in brainstorming meetings. On the other hand, Introverts find Extroverts exhausting and too transparent. An Extrovert’s need to share thoughts clutters the Introvert’s brain. Do people appreciate the positives in these differences? Usually the answer is no.
“Sensing” people want their facts and often need their “Intuitive” colleagues to get off the theoretical and look at reality. Intuitives complain that Sensing bosses are too entrenched in the here and now, and need to be more future-focused. They trust their gut and can’t understand why anyone would require more data when the answer is perfectly clear. Without an appreciation for what the other brings to the process, frustration and disrespect erupts.
The “Thinkers” are miffed because they see the “Feelers” as illogical and too people focused. The Feelers wonder where in the decision making process humans and values are being considered. The ”too in your head and too in your heart” arguments fill the space and distract rather than address the real issues. The disagreements can be very heated and resentments can bubble up. Both should be seen as essential.
There is one preference pair that truly gets backs up and the gloves off — “Judging” vs. “Perceiving.” Judging people like their world planned and organized. They start early and get great satisfaction from a job well done. The Perceiving people favor keeping their options open and do their best work when they are pressure-prompted. You can already see the conflicts brewing. One believes they are more efficient and reliable; the other would argue they bring in new ways of doing things and function best when deadlines are tight or ever-changing. What they fail to see is how important both are to the success of any program and team.
The funny thing is all temperaments are right. Give me a room full of one temperament only and monotony, repetition, and chaos thrives. Most people don’t want another “me”; they simply have trouble admitting it.
The opportunity is to always appreciate differences and allow each person to be their best.
Values
I have found most employees misunderstand each other because they have misread or misinterpreted based on their individual temperament. Unfortunately, each has its value blind spots.
Values can be tricky because they defy logic, analysis, and can be hidden. What and who one values have a long, twisted, history. It is influenced and formed by family of origin, beliefs, and past and present experiences. Yet, if we don’t try to understand how and what our colleagues’ value when it comes to areas such as work, money, time, and treatment of people, it is as if we are only open to looking at a part of the person. What coworkers clash on is often not the issue. The underpinnings are values.
I once left a very good, ethical, company because I couldn’t tolerate my boss’ constant lying. He was not trustworthy; therefore, violated two of my basic values. Another time I abruptly quit a job (I don’t recommended this tactic but I was 22 at the time) because my boss screamed at everyone, constantly. While she rarely picked on me, my value system told me I could not tolerate someone who would disrespect others in such a way. She was shocked when I left. No one else was.
Can you predict an individual’s values? On first glance, rarely. In fact, it’s dangerous to do so because you’re probably wrong due to your own prejudices. With concerted effort and genuine interest? Yes.
Culture
The workplace is culturally more diverse than any time in history. People bring to the office ways of seeing, doing, and thinking about things, molded in a place that could be on the other side of the world. Their lenses are influenced by politics, religions, language, social class, and gender stereotypes.
If someone arrived from a world where who your family knows is more important than what you know, you begin to understand the relevance of relationships to this person. Work with someone whose father’s job was bestowed by some bureaucrat in a political party, and held for the life of the regime, and you begin to see where this person is coming from. The intern from a small town who braves the big city may have a different definition of success than you, as a city kid.
How people vote, make ethical decisions, see others who are different from themselves, choose a company, and a partner, are all influenced by their culture. When there are clashes, they often are hard to describe and long to heal. The goal is not to change the person but be able to incorporate their differences into the broader work culture.
I worked with a pair where one member grew-up in a democratic Asian society. Free speech and human rights were respected, even encouraged. His boss grew up in a very repressive time in the Soviet Union, when being on the wrong side of the politics was life threatening. You put your head down and did the job assigned to you. It’s not difficult to see how misunderstanding where the other came from, culturally, could cause significant conflict. When these employees sat together in a coaching meeting and voiced their concerns explaining where they came from, a light went on for both. There was a certain relief to the “now I get it” enlightenment. Will they still have difference? Of course. Might they take a moment and think about where the ideas and behaviors are coming from. I hope so.
If you or others in your organization are in conflict, consider the role temperament, values, and culture might play in the discord. I can almost guarantee you will find elements of all.
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