Too Tough on Yourself — Try Self-Compassion

A behavior common among very successful people is setting high standards for others and especially themselves. Whether the actions are going to be seen by their boss, family, colleagues or done strictly in private, it doesn’t seem to matter. High achievers place the bar at the top rung for almost everyone, anything, and everything.

We all know why this approach of constant striving for excellence works — you receive accolades, promotions, financial rewards, and a sense of accomplishment and achievement. When can it be disappointing, harmful, even destructive? Are there times when lightening-up would bring a better, more appropriate outcome?

Do you really need a dose of self-compassion?

Self-compassion isn’t feeling sorry for yourself. It’s accepting that even you makes mistakes, forget, and just plain screw up. Self-compassion allows the foible to be okay without the punitive talk so many of us seem to have. “How could I be so stupid?!”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Can’t you do anything right?”, and so on. Our negative self-talk sounds dramatic, mean, and absolute. It often has a parental tone (that’s for another day and a different professional). Most important — it generally isn’t true.

When I find myself using the mean talk, I try to temper the thoughts and ask this simple question, “If an employee or friend made this mistake, would you come down on them as hard as you are doing right now?” Almost always the answer is no. I can be much more forgiving of the humanity of others than of me.

Some of you might be saying, “I’m not ready to compromise or accept the A minus.” Not suggesting you should. What I’m wondering, can you accept the error as a learning experience rather than viewing it as a character flaw or statement about your intelligence. Before you’re quick to say “sure,” watch and listen to yourself when you first try. This is a habit, that’s all it is. Habits are hard to break, especially when they have some upside. Hard but not impossible.

There are some very simple tricks for expressing and showing self-compassion. Let’s start with your most used password. Other than your dog’s name followed by your childhood house address or some combo of your birthday and dollars signs, think about something that would be self-affirming. What would it be like if you opened your laptop and saw “ugogirl2020” or simply “Hi!Chris34”? Would it change your frame of mind, set you up to see hurdles as challenges rather than obstacles? Would it start you with positive energy? Maybe.

A self-compassion behavior I have practiced is confronting my negative talk out loud. I’ll be beating myself up over some mistake, or stupid thing I said, and ruminate on it for what seems like hours. Only when I confront it by saying out loud “Stop it” do I realize how foolish and time-consuming it all was. It’s important to speak the words at full volume. Thinking the commands lacks the impact of your voice. It doesn’t seem to go to the part of the brain that controls those negative emotions. If it feels a bit too harsh, try “Let’s move on” or “Had enough?” If you want a good laugh, watch this classic Bob Newhart skit called “Stop it!”

The best expression of self-compassion is the ability to laugh at yourself. I burst into laughter, particularly when I realize how important something seemed earlier in the day and now is nothing. Looking back at the anticipation, fear, and overwhelm then putting it into context and perspective only helps to reassure me all is not lost, in fact pretty funny.

Practicing Self-Compassion

1. Admit high standards often require acceptance of temporary mistakes or poor choices.
2. Decide few things are so important they are able to sabotage a great idea or performance.
3. Be fair to yourself rather than meaner or harder.
4. Engage audible, positive suggestions that can quall negative thinking.
5. Demand negative thoughts “go away.”
6. Create visual cues, such as positive passwords, flattering photos of you and those you love, and even a small red dot on your monitor that reminds you it’s okay.
7. Don’t forget my favorite go-to “my mother still loves me.”

Practicing self-compassion isn’t a luxury. It’s an essential part of a happy, productive life.