A request/plea I hear often from my executive coaching clients revolves around listening — “How can I become a better listener?”, “How do I know if I’m a good listener?”, and “What is meant by listening at various levels.” These are just a few examples of questions around the topic.
Listening is a skill and a position one takes. Some people come to it naturally, most of us need to do a better job at it, all of us can get more skilled.
Here are Some Basic Tenets of Becoming a Better Listener
WAIT — this stands for Why Am I Talking? I suggest all my executive coaching clients put some simple reminders on their monitor, mobile, and in a place where they sit that is highly visible from that vantage point. Some people use the letters WAIT, others stick something like a red dot in a variety of places. A few have it come up as their screensaver. Whatever tactic you use, the cue helps you cement in the habit of questioning why words are coming out of your mouth when hearing others might be more useful and productive.
Why do people talk rather than listen?
Often it’s because they disagree or are angry with what is being said and need to chime in immediately. They want the floor and the attention. They like to hear themselves. It’s a power thing. For others it is inability to tolerate silence, so they fill the void with words. Some people believe the more they say the more likely others will come around to their way of thinking or see them as smart. For another group it’s a rehearsal for a bigger forum or a way to convince themselves they are right. None of these tactics make you a better listener. In fact, it distracts from the conversation or debate.
Listening is not something we do when we are not talking it is a chosen way to interact; one that is as important and demanding as anything you might say.
We often don’t recognize or honor good listeners. Their lack of verbal communication is seen as disinterest or lack of knowledge or perspective. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Listening is a highly active process, not passive, requiring high levels of attention, critical thinking, emotional intelligence, and engagement. All good listeners think before they speak. This is especially hard for extroverts who often like to think aloud and verbally brainstorm an idea. However, being a good listener is not an impossibility for any personality type.
Good listeners show respect for the person and their ideas by listening without interruption or physical cues (rolling of eyes, shifting in chair). They block out distractions and put their focus exclusively on the speaker and his/her ideas. It is a level of control, concentration, and ego many of us do not have. Those who do learn these keys to listening develop a relationship with the speaker and gain their respect and trust.
Good listeners concentrate on the conversation and the person in it. They are not distracted internally or by external stimuli. It’s as if the speaker is the only person in the room and the listener is engrossed with what you have to say. Interrupting is not something they do. They are not crafting the next quip or comeback, they are looking for common ground and hoping for more insight into the person with whom they are speaking. It’s a talent many successful people have and are often best respected for.
Here’s a Few Other Tips
Good listeners rarely start a sentence with “but” or “no.” It ends the conversation and demeans the speaker.
Good listeners would rather impress with their comprehension of the issue rather than dominate the conversation.
Good listeners want to hear the whole story and rarely jump in. They wait, think, and then speak (if needed).
Good listeners know what they know and what to learn from others, not hear themselves.
Good listeners don’t assume they understand the point of the message. Rather, they listen for the content and context, rather than guess or assume.
There are many more ways of becoming a good listener; however, if we all focus on WAIT, actively listening, and showing interest and respect for the others in the conversation, we’d all be a lot further in understanding one another and the issues. Listen up!
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