“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did but people will never forget how you made them feel.” —Maya Angelou
Stumbled upon this quote and almost immediately had a visceral reaction. I contemplated the question, “How do you deal with your feelings?” I flashed back to experiences in grade school, high school, my first job, my last corporate job and everything in-between. While I have many wonderful memories of good people doing right by me, what makes my chest tighten are the times I was made to feel, worthless, different, incompetent, and unwanted. What is even more astonishing is the number of times I have replayed those scenarios in my head and come up with the “perfect comeback” as to how I really felt. Fortunately, I have lost contact with most of these people — in fact some of them are dead! But, the emotional recall seems eternal. Granted, there weren’t many of these incidents but their weight and longevity is enormous despite the lack of quantity. In most cases, the ability to bring up the feeling is far greater than my recall of the details.
It had me thinking about my current and past experiences as an executive coach. How often I witnessed, and even more often heard about, the mistreatment of good, sometimes excellent, workers. What’s even more amazing is the lack of repercussions for the perpetrator, at least in the short term.
Standing on my soapbox I ask, “Why do senior leaders tolerate this kind of mean-spirited behavior from their managers?” Do they really think it works?
If the stated company culture is hitting goals and “business at any cost” is the motto, then complementary behavior must be expected. But in many instances it is more systemic in its failure to see and value employees as the key asset and a sense of responsibility to protect that asset.
If I and a number of my colleagues had been asked a few questions, and I don’t mean at an exit interview, maybe it would have shed some light on the problem.
Questions Such As
What would you tell friends or colleagues about what it’s like to work here?
How success or failure is defined and is it consistent by the leader?
How do people behave in tough times? Is the blame pushed up or down?
Why do so many people want to leave or transfer this department?
What would change about your work situation?
In almost every instance my response would have something to do with my direct supervisor whose behavior was outrageous, punitive, and in many instances unlawful.
The Solution is Not Always Clear
The easy answer would be “go to HR” but I would caution against this unless you are sure you are dealing with a highly experienced, trustworthy, individual who has influence and credibility. A conversation with the offender sometimes works but the promise of change is often not sustainable. Talking with a colleague(s) might get you some companionship and possibly information but could be used against you if you have a co-worker who is looking for an edge. Probably confiding in a mentor or coach is the most effective solution. Mentors, assuming they have stature and insight, can guide you through the issues and landscape with a professional eye. They might even be able to do something. An executive coach can assist you in sorting out the situation, help you weigh your options, see aspects you are currently blind to, practice coping skills, and develop a strategy.
Consolation
What goes around really does come around. Some of the worst offenders in my life eventually fell fast and hard with no recovery. Those who were the victims may not have gotten mad enough but they sure got even with great successes and no need for the reference or support of the perpetrator — they proved their worth all by themselves. The question is, “can they ever forget the way they felt” and “what will they do to prevent it from happening to others?” I am confident most people can and will.
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