Dealing with the Self-Absorbed Narcissist in the Workplace

Do you have a boss, colleague, or direct report who is always grabbing the limelight? Do they take credit for accomplishments not rightfully theirs? Do they act entitled and demand preferential treatment? Do they often brag and boast, and/or blame and deflect? Basically, is it all about them? If the answer is “yes” to most or all these questions, then I’m pretty sure you work with a narcissist.

Don’t get me wrong, narcissism in a mentally healthy person isn’t harmful or even undesirable. In the workplace, as in the rest of life, it can be essential to relationships and gaining recognition. It’s when it goes to an extreme end of the spectrum and becomes pathological that it can be easier to spot, unbearable; some would say destructive.

Let’s say that boss or colleague of yours falls somewhere in between — not full blow narcissism but surely more self-absorbed than you are willing to tolerate or work with. What to do?

The challenge with this type of person is they can be, at least initially, fun and very charming. Their stories and behaviors have energy and can be very engaging. Then, over time, you realize it’s all about them and they’re stealing your oxygen. Maybe you are taking some responsibility for their behavior? You catch yourself saying, “I must be doing something wrong; otherwise, why would anyone treat me like this?” They take credit for your work and steal the stage at every opportunity. When things go wrong, the drama always surrounds them, but the responsibility never seems to point to them. As you become more aware of what’s going on, you find yourself avoiding the person, placating them, or you’re no longer sure what to do or how to respond.

Let me assure you — you are not alone. Narcissists are in every walk of life and places of employment. You can’t avoid them, and I don’t think you want to join them (though at times they seem to have it better than the rest of us).

Here are Some Tips on How to Deal with Narcissists

1. Admit you can’t change anyone. Only they can and often that requires the help of a professional. The truth is they are rarely motivated to change, so why would you take on this doomed mission?
2. Control your reactions and perceptions. Narcissists have a considerable amount of talent, but mind control is not one of them. You can decide to see them for what they are just as Dorothy did with the Wizard. So, pull back the curtain and look at the little man with the ropes. That knowledge defuses their power in your mind and makes things more realistic.
3. Give up hope of a deep relationship. Looking for a reliable, loyal friend/colleague in the workplace? Stay clear of narcissists, they can’t/won’t do it. Superficial will always trump depth with them. There are many other healthier people in the office worth engaging.
4. Stop trying to fix a narcissist. Because the self-absorbed can have many redeeming — even desirable — qualities, you might be tempted to think, “If they only, just (name a behavior to start or stop) we would get along.” Save your cajoling, suggestions, and insights for yourself or others. There are too many self-rewarding pluses for being a narcissist and little incentive for them to change. Your good intentions will be met with resistance and resentment and will frustrate you. Actually, it could aggravate your relationship with the person. And… it’s not your job or business.

   There are things you can do:

1. Understand your strengths. Using self-affirming statements, assessing your accomplishments, seeking the support and accolades from others you respect will build self-confidence and act as a shield to your boss’ or colleague’s constant bragging or thievery.
2. Stand up for the point. When you see someone “borrowing” your idea or attempting to drop the blame on your head, start your sentence with “No” as in, “No, that isn’t exactly the way it happened….” Literally, cut the fairy tale off before it gets traction.
3. Refuse to believe the narcissist’s side or at least have a heavy dose of skepticism. Mentally question their motives, verify absolute statements. Remember, it’s all about them. Or at least that’s what they think.
4. Lower your expectations. You’re never going to get the approval or empathy you want and deserve. Turn inward or seek the approval of others particularly outside of the workplace.
5. Command respect. Force yourself to say, “I don’t appreciate your (comment, action, maneuver).” Although a narcissist may appear confident — the self-absorbed are actually quite fragile and will take your demand seriously.
6. Ask for details. If your colleague is taking credit, drill down with them until it’s clear who really did the work or had the idea.
7. Put it in writing. It’s harder for someone to steal your thunder when there is evidence. Confirm, reiterate, and tell others in writing.
8. Strengthen your brand. This is something you should be doing anyway from a career strategy perspective. One of the bonuses of a clear brand is it makes it harder for others to take the credit you’re due.
9. Avoid fueling the narcissist. Hide your work, insulate yourself, and walk away.
10. Change your posture. Since you can’t change them, change how they see you. Take a more forceful, “Don’t mess with me approach.” They’ll choose an easier target.

Most of us don’t have the luxury of choosing our boss or colleagues. Because of this, we can easily get stuck with a self-absorbed, glory-grabbing, bragging, blaming nightmare. There are ways to work with and continue to thrive in this environment, as long as you have a strategy and are vigilant.