Coaching Tips for Dealing with People Who Resist Help

As an executive coach I occasionally come upon a coaching client or colleague who claims to want “help and advice” but no matter what I say or do, there is a litany of reasons why it “won’t work,” “costs too much,” they’ve “already tried it,” and/or a million other hurdles and obstacles they have carefully constructed or imagined. These are the people who resist help. They are some of the most frustrating people to deal with, especially to those of us who get gratification in assisting others.

Point #1: Clients who resist help never see themselves as negative or even resistant. Rather, they portray themselves as, and feel like, a victim. Never accuse them of this because they will deny it to the death. For example: the reason they didn’t get the promotion was the new VP of Marketing must be having an affair with the CEO, or was given more opportunity to shine, or was shown preferential treatment for one of many reasons. It is the world that has a problem or is unfair, and they’re not being negative just dealing with reality. Whatever, you can be sure it is not because they were not qualified or undeserving. They’re not blaming, just stating the facts (or so they think).

Coaching Tip: Do not try to convince the individual that things are not so bad or will get better. They will only embroil you in a duel of “I can top that with something worse” or tell you that doomsday is on its way. Next thing you know, you’ll be hearing about their cruel mother, dead cat, and hateful ex, and how lucky you are to be you and have the fabulous life you have (implied they don’t).

Point #2: Employees who resist help don’t really want advice or a solution. They will shoot down every suggestion, often before you get the words out. “I know you are going to tell me I have to contribute more at meetings but …” Or “Before you start telling me how easy it is to speak in public let me tell you about the time…” Your frustration only builds and you get nowhere.

Coaching Tip: People who resist help want validation and acceptance. To do this, show interest in hearing the facts. Actively listen by repeating back to them what you’ve heard. Say you understand, even if it’s only the facts you get and not their interpretation or response to those facts. Tell them their feelings are understandable, even if you don’t comprehend or have never felt that way. Validate that what they believe is their truth.

Point #3: You are offering help and they don’t want it. Clients who resist help may not say it in so many words, in fact their language and behavior might be misread as “please help” but experience will tell you they have never listened or even begun to follow your advice. Why would they now?

Coaching Tip: Let’s face it, there are times we actually believe we have the magic bullet, that perfect phrase, the key to insight, and we insist on sharing it with others, over and over, whether they want it or not. This is a form of force-feeding and it’s cruel. If you must offer a suggestion, make it brief and pointed, “If I were you, I’d have a conversation with him before the end of the day.” Then leave it. No follow up, pep talk, or support. Remain neutral with no investment in the outcome because chances are nothing will occur.

The serenity prayer tells us to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the thing we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. In dealing with people who resist help, it would be good practice to heed these words.