I had a strong reaction to an October 10, 2019 New York Times article, by Ruth Whippman, titled “Enough Leaning In. Let’s Tell Men to Lean Out.” It hit me hard! Much of what she said I see in my female executive coaching clients, relatives, and friends. The problem? I sarcastically call it the “women failing to meet the guy standard.”
Full disclosure — I am a feminist. I love men. I’ve worked with many great men over the course of my career; coached quite a few. My best mentor was a guy. I had excellent relationships with my father and my husband. That said, I’m concerned, for both women and men, that the culture of the workplace is not working for many, especially females.
As I see it, the guy standard openly, and often, demands exaggerated levels of aspirational power expression. Many women don’t operate effectively in this mode.
A group of male interviewers said to a highly qualified female professional, “You didn’t beat your chest hard enough in the promotion interview.” Another was told she needed to be “more aggressive,” without an explanation as to what that might look like. A third was encouraged with, “You’ve got to be more like the guys.” And finally, “don’t get so emotional,” was said to a woman who was treated unjustly and protested.
What is the Guy Standard of Communication?
It’s when a male regularly interrupts or talks over people because he must be heard. What a female has to say can’t possibly be as important in comparison to what a male is sharing.
Often females see interrupting as rude and not collaborative. Females are keenly aware good ideas don’t always come from the patriarchal top.
The believers in the guy standard never apologize, even for the most egregious behavior. They also take front and center credit for major and minor contributions. They assume their entitlement to whatever it is they want, even if it is not deserved.
Many females work with a meritocracy mentality. They believe smart and hard work gets you to the next level. (Unfortunately, this is a misconception because it rarely works in a male-driven organization.)
As Ms. Whippman points out, most of the advice given to women, often by women, in blogs, books, TED talks, and coaching (I take some blame for this), is to “correct” certain traits. Traits that have in fact made females successful as individuals and in business. The advisors encourage women to play a version of the men’s guy standard game (e.g., lean-in, speak up, take any credit you can get, and do it with aggression). The corrective advice also assumes, or never addresses, women will accept the offensive behavior of their male bosses and colleagues as they try to climb the ladder. No more.
What is the risk if the guy standard culture continues for men, and the organizations they lead, and the females they employ?
Men should “lean out.” Whippman’s advice is to lean out and call for action. She suggests they “pipe down” and become intolerant of abrasive behavior, listen, be realistic and modest about their achievements — lose the male entitlement head. She encourages them to acknowledge the work and intellect of 50% of the planet — women. Let women be their best selves. Sounds good to me!
Many male executives have daughters. They would be appalled if their female offspring were not given the same opportunities as their sons. Yet, they can’t lean-out for someone else’s daughter, sister, or wife? They need to take the blinders off and see there are many young and older females with the qualifications equal to what they see at home.
Actions Females are Taking
Females are starting their own businesses at a far faster pace than men. Why? Because they know they will hit a glass ceiling early and hard. They also understand their exclusion from high visibility projects and important meetings. They’ll exit because they watch less qualified men get the promotion. They refuse to become someone they don’t admire. Leaving is the obvious, sometimes only, choice. They’ll do so with the knowledge, training, and network gathered through their tenure at the office and take it elsewhere at an enormous cost and loss to their companies and supervisors.
Female entrepreneurs encourage other talented women to move with them, forming companies that are more female-friendly. They’ll shy away from certain industries, such as tech, not because it is intellectually rigorous or uninteresting but because the culture is incompatible with how they work and want to be. Few will tolerate the abuse. In industries, such as tech and engineering, starving for top performers, it seems foolish to alienate or ignore a significant and growing pool of talent.
Companies risk losing the female voice in decisionmaking and perspective. In a consumer-driven economy that loss means the silence of people with the most experience. Females do most of the buying of goods and services. Companies have ignored a valuable resource.
Gen Z girls won’t accept the current workplace culture or hierarchy. Six-year-old Girl Scouts are learning to code using Java Script, practicing financial literacy and leadership skills. Members sell 200 million boxes of cookies (more than Oreos) in their entrepreneurship programs. If the workplace isn’t ready to accept these girls on a more level playing field, they will move on, pass you by, while they change the world.
Females, particularly those in higher positions, are starting to speak up and lead by example — to both genders. They are advocating for other women in a public way. We all must call out anyone’s bad behavior and embrace the similarities and respect the differences.
If we are to grow as individuals, teams, organizations, and citizens, we must acknowledge the inequities in the workplace. This could start with being gender blind in hiring, assigning, and promoting, which would lead into the active recruitment of females. If we refuse, we will become even more divided and never reach our true potential.
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