I am the oldest of five children; a great blessing as an adult, a mixed bag as a child. Lessons I learned, being one of many, shaped who I am and how I maneuver through the world. Realizing at an early age I had to be independent, rely on myself, rather than others, made me a decision maker and prepared for the real world. It also anointed me the “doer,” the one to rarely ask for help. I’ve worked hard on correcting the last statement. I’ve learned to ask for help earlier and more frequently.
Why are so many of us resistant to asking for help?
Which of these do you identify with?
Embarrassment: “I don’t want to appear weak or incompetent.”
Lack of trust: “I’m never sure people will hold up their end of the deal.”
Control freak: “No one can do it was well, as fast, as economically as I can.”
Fear of not being liked: “If I ask too much, or too often, they will turn on me.”
Don’t know how to delegate: “All I know is to do it myself.”
There is no one to ask: “I’m a solopreneur, an individual contributor, the lowest ranking worker; there is no one but me.”
Hesitant to spend the money: “Help costs money; one way or another, and I can’t afford it.”
Victim or martyr syndrome: “Poor me, look how hard I work and struggle.”
Your need is less important than what they want: “My needs can wait. I’ll help them even though they’ll never help me.”
Afraid it will be held against you: “I’ll be seen as a whiner, too dependent, a naysayer or nuisance or worse, incompetent.”
Fear of rejection: “What if they say no?”
Fear of risk: “How can I guarantee it will work the way I want?”
I’ve used all of these excuses and explanations at work and home. Only when I was so overwhelmed by illness in my family was I forced to ask for help. Guess what? It worked!
What did I learned?
There were many things others do better than I, and even if they didn’t or the perfectionist (control freak) in me was screaming to take charge, I found their work good enough. I became aware many people actually gain great satisfaction in helping another. Only I was judging me.
No one thought I was incompetent. In fact they applauded me and asked for advice. Pushed to the wall, I found resources I never knew existed. Task Rabbit, online professional listings, medical staff, friends, neighbors, and colleagues all contributed. When I realized how reasonable the price was for skilled helpers, it became clear to me that sticking to my day job and earning a living was far more cost-effective than waiting for the cable guy.
Rarely does anyone say “no” and when they do, it has nothing to do with me, my fear of rejection, disappointment, or risk aversion.
There were moments when I believed the sympathy of others would boost me. Wrong. It often was angering because it seemed trite or canned, wasn’t helpful, and surely didn’t solve the problem.
In my corporate life I was forced to delegate (you can’t do the job of 600 people). Where I found it hard was when I went out on my own and in my personal life. I needed to transfer the executive skills and apply them to my new situation. It was initially uncomfortable but with time seemed very familiar. All of us are capable of doing it.
Some of the most successful people I know have an uncanny ability to surround themselves with a variety of very competent workers that help them in all sorts of ways. They would never dream of doing their own taxes, cutting a lawn, ironing their shirts, or waiting for the cable guy. They are laser focused on the big picture and achieving results. They don’t see asking for help as a luxury but as a necessity, a way of getting things done.
I can’t overstate the value of family, friends, and colleagues. Solid relationships have a responsibility to offer assistance and support. People often want to pitch in, they just don’t know how or when. Help them out.
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