Five Love Languages — Showing Appreciation in the Workplace

Gary Smalley and John Trent are authors, speakers, and researchers who focus on relationships. They are best known for their creation and promotion of a work called, “The Five Love Languages.”

They contend people have different ways of expressing and accepting love. They break it down to five behaviors — words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

The authors are quick to remind the listener that what you need to give is not necessarily what your receiver wants, or not at least in the way you want.

So, what does this have to do with the workplace? I think plenty.

I am not advocating, in fact, I am discouraging, expressions of love in the workplace. BUT I do think the Five Languages could act as a model for how we show appreciation to those we work with and for.

I had a boss who was big on saying “good job!” It was his way of showing he noticed hard work. I watched him deliver it hundreds of times. The problem was it almost always fell flat. He was saying to others what he wanted to hear about himself, not what they needed. He was deaf and blind to the form of appreciation they desired.

Here were some options he had using the Five Love Languages.

Words of Affirmation: Okay he did say something positive. The problems are many, so are the options.

1. The word “good” isn’t exactly an A. If someone only does a “good” job, do they really want or expect an accolade?
2. It was not personalized or specific. Had he said, “Good job! I particularly liked how you approached this in a new, effective way,” the receiver would have been able to hold on to the message and probably continue the hard work.
3. Did the receiver want the boss’s words of appreciation? In this case, many of the employees did not respect the giver, so knowing what he thought was not particularly impactful, memorable, or desired.
4. Some people do not like words of affirmation as a way of showing appreciation. It embarrasses them, makes them question if it is true.
5. Give them what they had hoped for. Something else (maybe one of the other five languages of love).

Quality Time: Our mediocre boss spent hours in his office, behind closed doors, bent over spreadsheets. His conversations, when he had them, were a waste of time. What were his options?

1. Book time with each of his direct reports and make sure they happen.
2. No distractions during the meeting. No peeking at emails or texts. Eye contact is essential.
3. Using a tone that says, “I am glad you are here and ready to help,” rather than, “what have you done for me lately?”
4. Ask the person what they need to talk about.
5. Take the receiver’s pulse. How are they doing? What help do they need? All before you get into the meat of the business conversation.
6. Leave your issues to the side. This is not about you, it’s for them.
7. When he is alone, he should keep his door open unless it is necessary for privacy. Turn his desk towards the door, so people see him. Or, if this is on Zoom — show his face.
8. Quality time doesn’t always mean quantity of time. It could have happened at the coffee bar if the person gets his full attention. (He never went for coffee. He felt it was a “waste of time.”)

Note: The authors of “Five Languages of Love” found both men and women ranked quality time as their number one preference for receiving love. I suspect that would also be true with appreciation in the workplace.

Receiving Gifts: This one is harder to fulfill but not impossible.

1. In some sense bonuses are gifts. The boss could have kept most of it for himself and I would not have known.
2. Make their life easier would be a gift. Fight for better technology, a more comfortable chair.
3. Extra time off is desired over money by many people.
4. Certificates for manicures and car detailing were highly effective gifts, especially for young hourly workers.
5. Awards and certificates have more impact and are more wanted than many of us realize.
6. Holiday, wedding, baby arrival, are often seen by organizations are worthy of a gift when given under corporate guidelines. At the one-on-one level it becomes more challenging.

Note: When it comes to the executive receiving gifts from their staff, things can get dicey. People feel obligated to participate. Some can’t afford it, others do not want to give. The boss tries to show gratitude but wishes it would go away. Best to make it clear you want and expect nothing, long before the holidays or your birthday.

Acts of Service: Here, our not-so-great executive tried. I had a hard time justifying why his sweeping floors was economical or useful. There are ways a leader can give service.

1. Advocate for your people.
2. Mentor them.
3. Release high potential people to another department because it is best for their career growth.
4. Increase their exposure to people and ideas.
5. Use your power and influence for their benefit. Defend them.
6. Make their day-to-day easier. Ask them what that would look like.
7. Pitch-in during stressful times and do something below your pay grade.
8. Listen to their personal challenges within limits. (You are not their therapist.)

Note: This approach to appreciation, Acts of Service, ranked second in the list of five. Again, women and men listed them at about the same level.

Physical Touch: This one is easy — DON’T. Unless the person is falling, fainting, or having some other medical emergency, do not touch them.

DO: 

1. Good eye contact.
2. Active listening.
3. Empathetic language when appropriate.
4. A glass of water, cup of coffee.
5. Walk them to their car if they are not feeling well.
6. Acknowledge their birthday. (Make sure you do this for every staff member, not a select few.)
7. Tell the person an amusing story when they are stressed.

Note: This may seem cold or harsh, but the workplace is hands off. Done, it could be a job jeopardy issue for you. It protects people from those who do not respect the rights of others. COVID has basically taken handshakes away as well.

When looking to show appreciation to an individual or group in your place of work, consider the aspects of the “Five Languages of Love” — Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Remember what impacts or pleases you might not be what is liked or desired by another. There is always another option.